This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
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