I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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