Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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