we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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