You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
