we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
