i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
You made out with two different species that night
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
