I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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