Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
