Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
