My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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