Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
