Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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