oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
from now on my penis is your penis
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
