I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
