I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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