i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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