It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
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