I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
