Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
