hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
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Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
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I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this