WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
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well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
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He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high