Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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