Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
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