The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
