I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
