I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake