i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
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i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
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Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.