I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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