your thong is hanging out like whoa
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
