Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
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