I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
