The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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