wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
