Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
