The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
