Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
