Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
