First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
