Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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