I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
