I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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