I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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