I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
