i wish my penis had a tongue
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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