Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
