I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Randomize
