my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
