That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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