imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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