you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
