I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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