Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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