So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
