I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
