can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
