I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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