I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
