Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
